I don't understand how it can be that I so much want to be his best friend, and at the same time be completely upset when he does open up to me.  I sometimes wish I could be  the one he can tell anything to...everything.  He tells me pretty much everything but he doesnt talk much about the home life with me, which I am both glad and sad about.  The few times that he does tell me the smallest details it just makes me feel so sad, like all the wind just get knocked right out of me. He rarely tells me anything about his other life with her so my mind makes up it's own details.  I do know some of what his life is like first hand as we are all kind of in the same circle of people, so I see snip its from time to time, not exactly the picture of the "happy couple," but still I guess I'm always wanting to hear it from him.  I want him to tell me, to verify what I feel inside, so that I don't feel like some love sick little puppy, making up ideas in my own mind.  Anyways, so some friends of ours were all going to go hang together and so there was a group invite sent out and his response..unfortunatley he can't go as THEY are having his daughters b-day party at the house and it is his anniversary that day....  ouch.  I guess I should be careful of what I wish for.  I got more info and it hurt like hell.  
sad.

Thank you for sharing a different perspective Dick,  it is always helpful to hear a male perspective, as I believe we men and women  are wired slightly different.  I can't very well go out and ask my guy friends about it    I feel in my heart that it is as you say, a "role" that he simply is playing.  He has told me as much, but as a woman, a woman in an incredibly complex situation, I find that I do need that reasurance from time to time.  It's like a cut that you keep picking at.  It hurts but you pick at it just the same.  I don't want to pry or make things uncomfortable, the time I do have him all to myself we cherish and I just want to absorb every moment, so I don't bring it up, but I supose sometimes I just want him to say it...that his emotions are not involved when he is with her and that he's in love with me.  My guy isn't the super expressive emotional type, and I love that about him, he's more a do-er than a sayer, and what he does in my everyday life says it all.  It is my own insecurities that drives these questions.  Yes Dick you are SO lucky that you don't have to deal with those thoughts of  Jane having moments with somebody else.  Fake or genuine, it is a heart wrenching thing to experience non the less.  It is something both he and I deal with, I can tell by the tone in his voice  at the mention of a "family" event that it hurts him just the same as me.  I guess that is a little bit comforting in itself.  Not that I ever in a million years would want him to hurt. It is hard to put in to words, but I feel comfort in his reaction to my relationship "sharade" that I am not alone, that he feels it too.

what an amazingly accurate ray of light you just shined on me, thank you for that Red. I mean, you are absolutely right, and you put it so clearly into words.  I will have to readjust my view the next time that I'm feeling outside, because it is most definitely not where I am, thank you for the reminder  

wow that would really hurt me too.  Maybe he is not wanting to appear weak to you.  I know most strong men tend to shell up when they feel inadequate.  Financial stress can most definitely make one feel inadequate.  With you helping him out, this might be making him feel even more insecure with him self.  I would reach out to him maybe in an indirect way (maybe a text or thoughtful email) so that if he still needs his space he has it but just that he knows you are there and thinking of him.