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I didn't even see the train coming... (Read 353 times)
Yeti
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I didn't even see the train coming...
06/08/10 at 21:49:26
 
Hi everybody.  As promised in "When do you go for your "Happily Ever After?"" this is my (our) story.

I am approaching my 16th year of marriage to a woman I met in college.  Today we have three kids - one in middle school and two more in grade school.  In my mind, we have had a "cool, not cold" marriage.  We know how to have fun and she wants to do things with me.  However, "fun" does not equal "passion" and there is no passion there...I am trying to think back if there ever really was.  I am sure there was, but certainly not enough to sustain a health marriage for a lifetime.  There is a line in a movie that describes us to a T - very excellent roommates.

I have had a fling or three.  I have tried the sites, met people, and found that their goals didn't match what I was looking for - or maybe I didn't know what I was looking for.  Well, I found it...right under my nose.

She is a neighbor, two kids roughly the same ages.  I was attracted to her when we first met, but I never thought it possible that we would ever connect beyond a friendly way.  Then at the beginning of the year, we found each other on Facebook and started a chat.  I am a huge flirt so the chat went into some grey areas...it was fun but again i never would have thought it would go any further.  In February, we are chatting and she invites me over to her house where she is drinking with a friend and having their kids over.  The friend had to go out, leaving us alone (kids still there) and I was just struck by her.  I actually said "I really want to kiss you."  And I did and it was amazing.

We would see each other from time to time over the next couple of weeks where we discussed each others unhappiness in life, past indiscretions, what the other was looking for.  Things were still very casual between us, but something was there and it was growing.  We shared a couple more secret meetings before she left for vacation with her kids to her hometown.  We talked daily, I found myself missing her more..
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Yeti
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Re: I didn't even see the train coming...
Reply #1 - 06/08/10 at 22:07:19
 
..and more.  More than once she "invited" me to join her and I came very close a couple of times to hitting the "purchase" button on Expedia.  

When she came back, we met and I heard some of the stories - including one that implied a sexual encounter while she was out there.  Okay, no problem, we are friends, right?  Well, at the end of the meeting I let something slip out of my mouth that was at her expense and betrayed my feelings.  She caught it and she felt bad, making me feel bad.  At that point, I had no right to judge her or complain (I was still looking a bit on my own as well).  So I apologized the next day in a note that said I wasn't prepared to hear about everything she did on vacation, I wasn't prepared for how it would affect me, and I promised not to let my emotions or admiration for her interfere with the support I should be giving her as a friend.

That was the beginning.  Her response was way beyond what I expected - sharing her admiration for me and devotion to our friendship.  As a follow-up, she wanted to give me a response in person where she without greeting or warning kissed me for ten minutes.  Maybe I am shallower than I think, and I know there were other things that needed to be said, but that was a pretty good reply.

From that point, our conversations grew in length and depth, our meetings became more frequent, and our devotion grew.  I took one business trip where she saw how much she missed me, then another (ironically to her home town) where the distance away and the proximity to her home became too much for either of us.  She was the first person I wanted to and did see when I got home after a week away.

We are still finding our way, dealing with family and friends (she and my SO are friends and she acutely feels the guilt sometimes - a question I will post to the community soon), finding time together, and finding it is never enough.  We know we are in love, we see a future together, and we will face the challenges together.
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Dick
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In love with Jane
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Re: I didn't even see the train coming...
Reply #2 - 06/11/10 at 22:20:28
 
I find it interesting how jealousies can be so much more present with the other partners, for I too have become more possessive of Jane than I ever have been of my wife.

I think the idea that these side relationships aren't formalized makes them feel like something that can be lost easily, something worthy of protection.

It also means there is real love and brings us all back to the early days of dating when we all weren't so openminded!

Yeti, I look forward to hearing about your experiences with the wife and lover interacting.  Much of that is similar to Jane's experience with my wife as they too, were friends.  That's a whole new ballgame...
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